For loved ones
Chemsex advice for friends and family
When someone you care about is caught up in chemsex, it’s hard to know what to say. This page is for you.
Before you start
Choosing the moment
Pick a calm time
Not during or straight after a session, and not on a comedown. Choose a time when you’re both sober, rested and not rushed.
Check BALT first
Are either of you bored, angry, lonely or tired? If so, wait. The hard talk goes better when you’re both steady.
Somewhere private
Somewhere quiet where nobody will overhear and either of you can take a break. A walk can feel easier than face to face.
Starting the conversation
Opening without judgement
Lead with care
“I love you, and I’m worried about you.”
Anger is often fear. Say the caring part first.
Use their words
If they say “chems”, “G” or “Tina”, use those words too, not clinical terms.
Ask, don’t tell
“How are things, really?” leaves the door open. A list of what they’ve done wrong closes it.
Be curious, not shocked
Don’t moralise about sex. Be mindful of your facial expressions.
The most important part
Listening
Let them talk
Silence is fine. You don’t need to fix anything in the first conversation.
Focus on what matters to them
Health, relationships, work, safety. Start where they are, not where you want them to be.
No one has to stop to get support
Safer use matters too. Support is still there if they’re not ready to stop.
After a crisis
“I’m here. You’re not alone.”
Offer help once, then listen.
Try not to say
What not to say
- “Why would you do that?”
- “After everything we’ve done for you…”
- “Addict”, “clean” or “dirty”
- Threats you won’t carry out
A boundary only works if you hold it. Try a boundary plus an offer instead: “I won’t lend you cash, but I’ll help you get support.” or “You can’t use in my home, but you’re welcome when you’re not.”
You matter too
Looking after yourself
Their recovery isn’t your report card
You can’t control someone else’s use. Name your own limits on home, money and sex, and your own sexual health.
Get your own support
Loved ones need support in their own right. Talk to someone you trust, or a family support service.
Step in if someone’s at risk
If anyone’s safety is at risk, including yours, get help straight away.